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She may look innocent, but she knows how to leave her mark.

: Syukrina Norrahim, 18, Johor.
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No I don't.

The result is out today and I'm quite unsatisfied with it.
Maybe because I expect too much and you know right, expectation kills you.
But I think I've put a lot, vast, huge, much more efforts and I don't think they paid off.
It's neither about being the smartest in the class nor being proud with great pointer.
It is about self-satisfaction.
People said, do things that will make you happy.
This is what makes me happy. I did a lot for it but seems I've to work harder and smarter.

The moment I checked through my result on my laptop, I told my mum straight away.
I acted like I am satisfied and just fine with my result. 
I don't want her to know that I feel bad (to be honest), so that she will think that it's not a big deal for me. I did the same to all my classmates and friends who got higher than me.
And this kills me like hell for as I feel very bad, like
what the hell did I learn for all of this whole semester?
 Am I this bad? Which part I'm lacking off?

I took a depth breath. I soothed myself and I started to think rationally instead of emotionally.
The thing is, why do I have to satisfy myself with great pointer?
ok guys, let's make it clear. Actually, my result ain't that bad like failing or what.
It's in the average level. Did not pass the '3.5 level' but almost there but still...ok stop!
*inhale* *smile* let's proceed.
But because of these things called 'expectation' and 'comparison', I felt bad.
So, I reclaim to myself that I ain't that bad, it was just because of me that kept comparing myself with others that are higher instead of being grateful.
I know, I don't always have to be number one or being the smartest in the class or being titled as 'budak2 3.5' because that is not the purpose.
The thing is this is education and it's nothing with good pointer if I got solely for the examination.
And one more thing, my purpose is to fly in my second year.
And the requirement is for me to get above 3.0
So, is there any problem with this pointer for me to fly?
NO. DEFINITELY NO.
So why did I feel so bad like I was terminated from the scholarship, like I am going to die if I don't get 3.5. When there's life, there's hope.
This is only the first semester. Just a beginning. Why did I act like I am in the fourth semester?

So, I'm done with it. Let bygone be bygone and I believe for everything that happened must come with reasons. Maybe, it's a good time for me to reflect myself who might have been over confident, degrade other people, feeling so good (but I am good ok) haha, making less time to pray which is the biggest weapon and many others. 
So that's it Syukrina *smile*

One more, I did pour all my real feeling about this to someone and as usual it doesn't helping at all haha but who cares?
Maybe next time, I shouldn't tell him anything or merely tell about the result instead of the feeling.
I cannot expect him to understand me because this is life and that is how it works.
Some people will never understand us, but it's not their fault.
It is our faults that we choose the wrong person (maybe) haha
Maybe for them this is nothing, unimportant or whatsoever.
Naa, it's okay. Maybe there will be one person that really understand you.
 It just you haven't meet them yet, who knows? hahaha

So lesson learnt.
You think I want to give up after all this?
No, I am not. See you in USA *smile*


written on Nov 26, 2015 @ 5:09 AM ✈

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